Pakistani Model Veena Malik's Secret Photo Shot of 2013

This has been a great week for news editors given the number of important stories that broke. Navjot Sidhu called off his fast unto death in four hours much to the dismay of Indian citizens. The Electronic Voting Machine got a right to reject button as if rich people will vote instead of going to Goa over the election weekend. Nawaz Sharif allegedly called Manmohan Singh a dehati aurat, making Indians on Twitter respond with, “How dare you insult our spineless, incompetent puppet? That’s our job.” All these stories remain pointless footnotes on the sands of time when compared to what I’m going to talk about.

A few weeks ago I was performing at a popular Mumbai club where Ashmit Patel was in the audience. A thorough gentleman, he walked up and shook hands congratulating me on a job well done after I finished my set. After my brain was done screaming “YOU JUST SHOOK HANDS WITH SOMEONE WHOSE MMS YOU’VE DOWNLOADED!”, I realised it wasn’t a handshake but a cry for help. He knew that his film Supermodel would release in a few weeks, after which even beggars would start returning his money at traffic signals. Unlike ‘sickular’ ‘paidmedia’ critics who hate the film simply because the lead actor is Gujarati, I’m here to tell you why you should all watch Supermodel. First, the plot of this film is that five models are battling it out in Fiji to be the calendar girl for a wine company. We know they’re in Fiji because when their plane lands, the camera pans to the aircraft tail that says “Fiji”. However, one of the models decides to take control by killing the rest of the competition. The first model dies with half a litre of Milkmaid coming out of her mouth (how’s that for symbolism?). The murderous model kills all her four competitors. Fair to say that the director has made insightful points into what a career in modelling entails, i.e. being slapped on your forehead with a stranger’s genitals when you least expect it. Second, Ashmit Patel is in a role of a lifetime as a sassy playboy named Monty. 

We know he’s hep because he tells a model after making out with her, “Koi bhi badi news dene se pehle mujhe meetha chakhna pasand hai.” (“Before delivering any big news, I like to taste something sweet.“) One hopes this wasn’t the custom growing up around family while talking about the school report card. There are three things we learn about Monty. His Adam’s apple looks like it has an erection. His muscles have such a dramatic glow that it seems as though the muscle is about to give birth to another muscle. The more he falls in love with Veena Malik, the more he starts covering his body with normal clothes in what I imagine is a confidence building measure.